Asshole-ality
DemonSpawn
Date:
13/10/2004
Have you ever had an experience similar to this : someone asks a question, say in a conversation, or in an office, and you speak up and give the answer, but no-one hears, so they ask again. So you speak a bit louder, and give the answer again, but they still don't hear you, and they ask again. And you eventually end up bellowing the answer two seconds after someone else gives it as well, but the person who asked the question heard them first. And everything goes dead quiet as everyone turns around to stare at you with something like disgust mixed with a faint air of caution. (Don't go near that one – it's rather dodgy).
Well, for all of you that don't know what I'm talking about, your turn will come too, sooner or later. I'm not crazy. And for those of you who do, goddamned weirdo's, life is about to get interesting.
Now, really, please don't think I'm promising a lifechanging miracle cure to that really small and totally non-penetrating voice of yours because we all know that's not the problem. There is no cure for the asshole pandemic we are currently experiencing on the planet. There wouldn't be one even if we took all the cash they pump into AIDS and cancer research and combined it into one fund to find a cure. That's because the only cure is selective breeding, which we all know humans as a species are incapable of. I'm living proof of that fact, myself, as no doubt are you.
The difference between us and them is the varying degrees of asshole-ality, as I call it. I think when it comes down to it, really, asshole-ality begins and ends with a person's ability to cope with the truth. And all truths being relative and somewhere in between your perception and mine, we can't really define it much further, but let me illustrate this point with a clear example.
In my office, I have a boss. It – I will refrain from being sexist either way (ha ha) – asks a question, and waits for an answer from the rest of the office. It may be a really simple question like, 'Where's the stapler? Has anyone seen it?' Now, I know for a fact, that I saw Employee A with it in its hands not half a minute ago, but Employee A doesn't speak up. So I say, 'Employee A has it,' and go back to what I'm doing.
Then we hit that Twilight Zone stage where this scene repeats itself about four or five times. The boss and Employee A are no more than a couple of meters away from each other, and the question is getting more and more frantic because there is no answer, only there is because I'm saying it.
On Take Number Five, as I begin to forcefully impose my lungpower on my Boss, Employee A hands the Boss the stapler, and I look like a complete maniac with no sense of appropriate office behaviour.
No-one even considers that the Boss, who has a rather unusually high asshole-ality rating was ignoring me completely because It knows that I am much more aware in every sense of the word than any of the other single-celled plebs there, and the truth of that matter does not appeal to Its sensibilities, which are limited at best.
Therefore Its asshole-ality is indirectly proportionate to Its ability to handle the truth. For those of you who don't get it... The less It can handle the truth that It has less intelligence, the higher Its asshole-ality rating soars.
This is one of the many theories I have developed during my years as a working girl – and not the sloppy seconds kind, please – which I will attempt to inflict upon you, my attentive audience, while I am still writing for this site, which may not be too long, considering the fact that I am not really interested in censoring my views for the conveniences of all the assholes out there.
Anyway, where the interesting part comes in, is that this is a sort-of interactive site, and when I say sort-of I really mean it. If I ask a question, and I get an answer, it will be acknowledged. In some way or another. So, for example, if I put a new chapter for our impending Sci-Fi book up on the site, and it has an asterisk (that funny little star-thingy on the keyboard, for all of you who attend school – they don't teach vocabulary there anymore), then that means we are asking a question. Generally the question will be, like, What do you think of this? or How can we improve on this bit? Now, if you choose to answer the question, your response will be logged and we will reply to your suggestions. If your suggestions are reasonable, and within the general vicinity of the topic, then you will be logged as a 'participatory presence' (PP) on the site, either under your nick, or real name – you choose. If you choose to abuse the fact that we are prepared to listen to your whiney-assed bullshit, and send us tons of what we would consider to be SPAM, like religious 'God will get you' speeches, or 'That's nice, come and see my site' crap, we will log you as a NPA or No-good Pain in the ASS, if you are stupid enough, that is, to leave a name. Obviously, everyone is entitled to their opinion, and everyone must, or should, be free to express it. Just please, not on this site.
And if you absolutely have no alternative but to post stuff that's just not on the topic, remember the Asshole-ality Factor, and rate yourself first.
Now, to contradict everything that I've said so far. Despite the fact that I am not prepared to put up with whiney-assed off-the-topic stuff, we are actually very tolerant of peoples' views. Not the kind of tolerant that the politicians use either. You know, the kind that tolerates everyone else's views as long as they are the same as theirs. No, there is a thing called free speech which we like to stick to, and we will as far as possible, until it damages us or our interests in the site, or annoys us to the point where we could cheerfully track the asshole down and poke his (or her) eyes out with a blunt stick. The point is that you will be heard when you tell us where the stapler is, and we will thank you for the information if we find the stapler in sort of the same vicinity you indicated.
Now, I have to go visit friends. Yes, I have a social existence outside of this little piece of silicon. So enjoy the site if you can. If you can't that's okay – not all of us are thinking imaginative human beings. And remember to catch my updated column in a couple days' time. Yes, this too shall pass, albeit like a kidney stone – painful to most, pleasurable to some twisted few.
Later,
Demonspawn.
