My Epitaph
DemonSpawn
Date:
01/04/2005
I nearly wasn't around to write this
column today. Sorry to disappoint some of you, but I'm still alive
and well and living in Durban.
But the point is that I almost wasn't,
because some overweight, lazy-aged piece of rotten meat in a Volvo
almost wiped me out on the road. And it wasn't even my fault! I
wasn't even going fast, because I was only running on three
cylinders!
The guy just drove over a yield line,
crossed over two lanes and nearly side-swiped me with his big-assed
larny pompous weapon of a car.
And do you know what he did when I
pulled up next to him and shouted at him? (I don't think he heard
because my bike was sounding really bad in a loud way) – anyway,
can you guess what he did?
He smiled.
Now, if I had my learners' license, I
would had let the ou crash into me simply so I could sting him for
repairs to my bike, which are many at the moment. But because my
license expired recently, I was poked! I couldn't even take a swipe
at his side-mirror in case he sued me. And Veronica was going so
badly (spark plugs gone), that I could never have outrun the asshole.
I could just rip his throat out with my
teeth! I mean, do you have any idea how many bikers die every year as
a result of some stupid cunt who couldn't be bothered to slow down
and look both ways first?
Lots, that's how many.
And they actually have
drivers' licenses! It's amazing. And very scary.
I mean, it wasn't even a woman driver!
It was a guy! Although I have this theory that once a guy gets past
60 or so, the testosterone build-up in his system causes him to
become more of an asshole than he ever was before. And that goes for
intra-automobile attitude as well.
I just wish someone would sit up and
take note and go, “Okay, maybe we should start testing for
aptitude, hand-eye co-ordination and IQ before we hand out licenses.”
Or maybe we should just make everyone
ride bikes for a year or so, so they can understand just exactly how
extraordinarily stupid a person can become when driving a motor car.
I look at people when I pass them
sometimes, and they resemble patients in a psychiatric ward on
Lithium. All glazed-over with a faint smile, I wouldn't be surprised
to see some drool abseiling down from the corner of the mouth!
I personally think that when you go for
your learners, you should be made to watch five hours of soap operas
under supervision. If the person threatens suicide during the first
hour, just put them in a car and let them drive.
But, if the person sits through
five hours and comes out smiling, you know they are truly brain-dead,
and should not, under any circumstances, be allowed near a vehicle of
any kind, unless it's in front of an oncoming bus, in order to remove
defective characteristics from the gene pool.
Anyway, if I am ended by one of those morons, then my epitaph should read, “Told you so”.
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