News Groups

DemonSpawn

Date:
30/12/2004

This is what I think about newsgroups – they exist for the sole purpose of allowing people to satisfy some latent desire to argue and squabble and call each other names. Sort-of like pre-schools. You don't actually learn much there, but you go anyway, because you could never behave like that in front of your mother. At least, not when I was a kid.

At this point I should hedge my statement by admitting that in the newsgroups I have been on, there are some sincere members who actually post stuff to do with the topic at hand, and give useful advice on stuff. But generally speaking, it's a god damned war zone out there. Everyone is tuning everyone.

If you are interested in becoming a member of a newsgroup, here are some handy tips:

  • It helps if you are petty. That way, you can keep tuning someone for the longest of threads and yet completely disregard the fact that the argument is stupid, annoying and pointless.
  • Also, you should have a limited vocabulary. All you really need in a vocab are the main swearwords, which you can then improvise with, to form a lot of new words from. NB: This may require some creative leanings on your part. If you do not have any, an easy way to overcome this deficiency is to read some other posts first and record what they call each other, and use those names.
  • A solid streak of tenacity will definitely help. This way, you can use the previous point to start an argument (in other words by calling them a fuckwad, or some other variation thereof), and continue to do this, consistently, and without taking any notice of whether anyone has actually responded or not.
  • One of the most important characteristics one should possess in order to stick it out in a newsgroup is blatantly aggressive idiocy. Otherwise, you may become bored and do something else with your time after a short while.

Of course, most of us know what newsgroups are for anyway, but we remain ever-hopeful of finding one that is actually useful. I know – I'm a culprit, too. However, if you find yourself wasting way too much money and time reading other peoples' profanity and not getting any useful stuff, then here is a suggestion: give up. Especially if you have kids. It's just an extra annoyance that you can get at home for free.

I don't actually enjoy watching people make idiots of themselves by calling each other names like they are still school kids (who knows – maybe they all are...) but I like to observe the way people say and do things on the internet because they can. It's safely anonymous for the most part, and there is almost no regulation on what is posted and what is not. I find it fascinating how base people can actually become if they do not have to directly face the consequences of their actions. Sort of gives me a picture of what the real world would be like without the law. So I have to wonder, is that what we as a species have come to? A bunch of opportunistic aggressors all cooped up in the free-range game reserve we call the net?

Frankly, I'm embarrassed.

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