More Beer
DemonSpawn
Date:
08/12/2004
Let me tell you the secret to getting more beer. At the risk of being secretly silenced and having the site suddenly taken off the web by South African Breweries, I will divulge this secret to you, my ardent readers.
You see, there is a life-cycle which a beer goes through, unbeknownst to the common beer drinker.
A beer begins its life as a tiny baby 200ml can. Now obviously you don't see those around, because beer was meant to be drunk in great quantities. SAB wouldn't be able to sell baby cans, because they would finish too quickly.
So they keep them in the fridge for a while. Not too, long, because it only takes a day or two for that baby 200ml can to grow into a 350ml can, which is sort-of its puberty stage. Unfortunately, this is when most beers get taken out the fridge and sold. Sadly, not many of these cans make it to sufficiently cool fridges and those that do are not given enough time to grow further before being drunk.
There are documented cases where a beer has been able to continue growing slightly further in bottle store fridges, into the full-blown puberty stage. You will notice this as being the 'long tom' can, labelled as having an extra 200ml. Always better to drink than the normal size.
Now, SAB selects candidates who spend more time in the fridge, and are allowed to become young adult beers. You will be able to spot these beers easily because they are glass bottles, or pints. Experienced beer drinkers will agree that these beers taste much better than cans. Most think that this is because it's in glass, but actually it's because the beer has been allowed to mature and become the best beer it can be, in ideal conditions provided by the brewery.
This is where most beers are eventually sold off, bought and drunk. However, there are a few select beers which are then put into the freezer. And these beers go through a metamorphosis, and emerge as quarts, which we all know are the best of all beers. After all, beer was meant to be drunk in great quantities.
And this, my friends, is the secret to getting more beer. The bottles that you buy may have been out of the fridge too long to continue growing if you put them back in. But there are those which have come directly from the brewery that day, and all you have to do to get more beer, is put that bottle in the freezer and leave it there for a while. And when you open the door, one of two things will have happened. Either your bottle will have metamorphosized into a beautiful, tasty quart, or it will have exploded in there because it was warm too long.
So, now the secret is out. All I have left to say on the subject is this: Beer drinkers, go forth and nurture!
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