Cars vs. Bikes
DemonSpawn
Date:
07/11/2004
Life is kak, and that's the way it goes. People are stupid sheep who function on a day-to-day basis using only basic life-support systems such as breathing, eating, etc. I mean, I know it sounds very pessimistic, but you have to realise that when you ride a motorcycle, you begin to see humanity in a very different light.
Fact. People are stupid, senseless, self-absorbed and ignorant.
Fact. Motorcars are weapons, just like guns.
That is why you have to do 2 tests to be able to drive a car legally. One theory, so you know how it's supposed to go, and one practical, so you know how it actually goes.
What they don't do, and this is where the problem comes in, is hand-eye co-ordination tests, or aptitude tests to ascertain which type of car a person is safe to drive.
For example, if you are four feet tall, you should not be able to buy a great big fuckoff Merc because you will end up looking through the gap between the dashboard and the steering wheel. This actually happens.
I get a chance to see people driving all the time. I ride a motorcycle every day, on freeways and in town. It scares me when I see those happy housewives in their awesome SUV's with twenty times more blind spots than any other vehicle I can think of- with the possible exception of those riot vans and tanks- staring vacantly into the space in front of them and chatting on the cellphone, while travelling in the fast lane on the freeway at 100km/h.
I have nearly been written out of the history books by many idiot pig-dogs of both genders whilst navigating traffic in town. And car drivers wonders why bikers have such an attitude...
Here's an idea that I want an opinion on – how about a prerequisite for a driver's license being at least two years' experience riding a bike? I think that will do nicely. It works on the principle of natural selection: those who have the co-ords to survive riding a bike will be the stronger, more alert and therefore genetically superior individuals. Those who don't obviously don't make it to the car, and very rightly so.
My reasoning is this: a car is a weapon. We've been there already. If you fuck up on the freeway in a car, there is a good chance you will take out not only yourself, but also a couple of other people. If there's a guy on a bike nearby when this happens, he's toast too. Because a car is bigger, heavier, and when out of control, can do a lot of damage. When you fuck up on a bike, the only person likely to get hurt is yourself (and the bike).
I hear car drivers complaining that bikers are reckless and stupid because they ride around like maniacs on speed (which is partly true, for me at least). But what they don't realise is that they represent issues. The reason I ride through traffic like a maniac is because if I am going faster than all the other idiots on the road, than I only have to worry about every idiot only once. Make sense?
I have decided recently that there is a good way to rate car drivers: the PTK rating. All drivers of cars have the Potential To Kill bikers. On a scale of one to ten, SUV drivers and most woman drivers are on ten, with old men being a close second on eight. Taxis, surprisingly enough, are on four, which is pretty low, and other bikers are the lowest on one. That's all from experience.
I nearly rode right into the back of a cop car one night on the freeway. He had stopped in the fast lane with no hazards, only tail lights, next to another vehicle in the middle lane, towing a trailer full of stuff, also no hazards. It would have been very messy – although I was only cruising at about 140km/h. The weird thing is that I'm sure he must have noticed me before. It was on a really wide, straight bit, at the top of a long hill, and I had been gaining on him for ages – but slowly, because you never know when they're going to get emotional about being passed. Anyway, I'm still here, because I took the gap between the barrier and the cop car. He nearly shat himself when he finally decided to check the mirror, and I was about twenty metres behind him, and not slowing down. I hope it taught him a lesson – although there would have been no-one around to testify that he had given no indication that he had stopped.
I have this idea for the automobile manufacturers – they should make two types of cars: one type with all the bits that they normally have, and then a cheaper version for people (like cops and women), who don't use all those extra bits, like indicators and mirrors. Maybe they could make them all with a special day-glo orange paint, with phosphorescent flakes so the thing shows up at night. Like a warning beacon. Just a suggestion. What do you think?
Yup, I'm sure there are some of you righteously indignant, completely capable woman drivers, who are suffering from a case of shock and horror right now. Well, I've got this comforting piece of advice for you: that's your problem! You drive around with this vacuous expression which clearly states: “I'm so happy. I'm so blissfully ignorant of the bike I just cut off. Oh look! There goes one of those awful reckless maniacs on a bike! How awful! Look! How rude! He just cut in front of me! I need to call the hotline from my cellphone right now! Gee, why is that person flashing his lights at me? His wife must be having a baby! Maybe I should get out the way... Oops, sorry! Didn't see you there... He's obviously going too fast! He shouldn't be in the middle lane if he wants to overtake!”
Long
Slow
Deep
Breaths.
When they gave Barbie a car, they doomed the human race.
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